I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
