my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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