hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
