Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just gift wrapped bread.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
