my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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