I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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