I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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