he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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