I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
