I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
it's great music for shaving your balls
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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