ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
