why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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