When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
