if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
