i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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