the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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