Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
