Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
the day after is always just damage control
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
