Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
