So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
