They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Will exercising make me less horny?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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