Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
