she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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