i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
