I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
