If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
