Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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