: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
