Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
