Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
