i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
