That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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