hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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