I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
