ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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