and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
