I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
