watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
