I wish they made helmets for livers.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
