I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
There's always time for handjobs
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
