Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Hippo gnu deer
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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