is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
