I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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