Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
