Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
