apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
