I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
