Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
