Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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