you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
how do you play pong handcuffed?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
