Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
